“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep'. In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

Archive for the ‘My Sins My Confessions’ Category

Divorce is Good, Meth is Better!

Well, being divorced twice by the time you turn twenty-three can make you realize a few things. One, divorce is a wonderful tool when you have absolutely no idea what marriage is about. Two, misinformed spouses are never there for you; but equally miserable friends are.. Three, equally miserable friends can be your closest companions; especially if they have good connections.
Well, lets take an intermission……See, after the divorce (2nd) I had written off relationships all together. So a relationship with roommates and beer, beer, beer would be much better. The mother of my sons was pulling half of my income in the form of child support, I wasn’t up for playing daddy, partying was much easier. Of course, man can not live on beer alone, for that he needs a drinking buddy or two. Don’t forget to add in the cost of living and well it just makes more sense to have roommates, like-minded who want to drink, work, drink. Well, there can be a lot of drama in those relationships too, an empty keg closes the curtain; time for a new scene.
Its Friday evening; I have a good job again, a little bit of money in my pocket, new drinking buddies, and a new roommate; heck of a time to make a bachelor pad.  A detailed cleaning the garage made plenty of room for a $300 pool table out of the local newspaper. Friday was getting late, so when someone stopped by and asked if we knew anyone looking for some meth, we had an answer… “hell yeah!” Like anything bad for you, it starts off small and always grows into something larger. I love the lyrics from Casting Crowns “Slow Fade,” ‘the journey from your mind into your hands, is shorter than you’re thinking, be CAREFUL when you think you stand, you just might be sinking.” So we agreed hey we can do this on Friday and Saturday nights, rest on Sunday, then back to work on Monday…..Too easy.
It wasn’t too long and I was lost in the dope game, addicted they say, dependent that is for sure. You know I’m going to let you in on something that few people would dare to admit. I could drink a beer, or smoke a joint, then hang out with my kids, I could even smoke a joint Sunday morning after getting drunk on Saturday and attend church on occasion. You know what though, on hard drugs, Cocaine, Methamphetamines, you don’t want to face anyone, your family, your children and especially God. You have entered into a realm of darkness that has no god in it, it is purely of evil, it reeks of hate, selfishness and disgust! It wasn’t too long and the new roommate was gone, I lost my job, now it was just stay high, avoid work, avoid society, welcome to hell!
Depression! How I just longed for something as simple as depression, hell I would take another divorce, another ‘somebodies doing me wrong song’ just not this, not a feeling of dependency on something so pointless, so worthless. I ran everyone off that year, lost my house to foreclosure, sold pretty much everything I had, lost the girl that kept me company through most of my struggle, face it life just sucked!
God though works in mysterious ways is the rumor. Christmas Day 2003 was the last day I purchased dope, instead of celebrating the Savior of the Worlds birth I would get high again. What a waste!!! I have always been somewhat intelligent, I had done the meth-math and realized that I could never accomplish more when I was high than when I was sober. I finally hit rock bottom, I couldn’t afford drugs anymore, so becoming sober was pretty easy. I was living in my grandmothers house, while she was living in a nursing home (wonderful grandson, right?). Rock bottom is a term we sometimes use, I hit this place where I just needed silence, peace. It was so bad, that I turned off all the lights in the house, went to the back bedroom, sat inside the closet and closed the door, I covered my ears, closed my eyes, just wished for total silence. I asked myself, what is the point, no one cares for you, this life is a friggin’ joke. With my eyes squeezed shut, surrounded in darkness, I could see a small light, a glimmer and a soothing voice saying “Michael, I have always been here with you, I will always be here for you.”
Overnight, God had delivered me from the snares of drug addiction, though many battles were still on the horizon. Soon, I would have the courage to enter back into God’s house, unashamed, forgiven, trusting that His will be done.

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REBOUND 3 points!!!

Not three points for me, three months instead. After my divorce at the age of 21, I initially put all women in that same class, you know garbage, a waste of time. I sulked in misery as one should after a divorce for a few months. See Divorce is admittance of failure, plain and simple, we don’t like to address these things sometimes but failure is failure. I guess what made the divorce so rough was seeing my babies leaving and knowing that it would forever change the relationship I had with them, with their mother, with my in-laws. These people who once saw me  with respect, who saw me worshiping God in their church, the place where God was drawing me to do something great for Him, well, they would now see me with new eyes. A failure, I had been a failure in many things; I had dropped out of High School, been arrested a time or two,<—(The Charges never stuck, but I will mention them in the future) messed up my parents household, well again I was a failure.

As this started sinking in, I started doing some soul searching, you know deep down soul searching, the type you do with a bottle of rum, whiskey, a large quantity of beer, a few pills, just good old fashioned soul searching. In my in-depth study of myself, I discovered something, “Hey I’m not the failure, I was justified in my divorce, I’m a family man” Go me!!! So I started getting out of the house again, hanging out with friends, looking for something better, a different type of relationship. Three months from being divorced  I found someone new, REBOUND!!! Rebound relationships, if you have ever or  never had one are the most dangerous relationships in the world. I had not even began to have time to heal, I was still immature, I was still a party animal, I was still not walking in the path of the light, but pursuing darkness and the pain that came through those experiments. I was nowhere near ready to live again, but live again I did. I jumped head first into a serious relationship almost overnight. Let me explain a little better about rebounding, in prayerful hopes that you never do. See in a rebound, you first notice some really wonderful things about the new person, but your mind is blind-folded into seeing faults. These are times where you will get involved with someone of different moral characteristics, religious views, political views, lifestyles, bad habits, you know things that can destroy relationships.

So I began dating this person in which we were not equally yoked. We were both people who desperately needed someone, something better, so it seemed perfect at the time. After about two months, we ran down to the court-house one morning and said “I do” before the Justice of the peace. WOW! My second marriage at the age of 22. Something wonderful did come out of that relationship, we both enjoyed going to church and found a church where we felt a home, we felt like a family, she with her son and me with my two. When I had my sons for the weekends at first it was like a perfect family, everything was great. Remember though this was the rebound, so TIME the curer of all things and the revealer of all others would  have it’s way. Time was short too, about 18 months and that marriage was being filed in the courthouse listed under “Michael Lambert, Failures.”

Lesson learned, I get it God, I’ll just stay single, it’s much less painful and it’s cheaper too. I had been hurt and hurt another person, her son and my children, the children were in the middle of all this, now my boys had the opportunity of witnessing two marriages fail, Nathan was only six years old. See, when we start to uncover our big mistakes, we must recognize the destruction we have caused. We must find maturity at some point in life, to just grow the hell up, I still wasn’t ready for that. I was just another day deeper in misery, another stage deeper in sin, at another point to let the dust begin to cover my bible, because it’s instructions were not needed by me. See friends, had I picked up that bible, Gods Word and applied it with faith, even in that rebound relationship, I believe God would have worked miracles, because that is what He does. Regardless, I had some new things to try out, some very, very interesting and destructive things.

Some Years Are Diamonds!!

The first two years of marriage went by, so fast! I landed a decent paying job in Dallas, purchased a new Car, even purchased my first home. Almost one year if not to the date of Nathan being born, we were expecting again, the following June our son Preston would arrive. There were a lot of spiritual highs during this period, my new family attended church with our in-laws, Victory Tabernacle, a Pentecostal Church. The Holy Spirit worked with me greatly at this time, I had never been baptized when I was younger, so it was at this church that I finally made a public declaration of my faith. In this church I had an older lady tell me that I would have a wonderful ministry one day as she prayed over me. It was also in this place that God would speak to me, to my heart, to my mind, that well I had a responsibility in the ministry, some people refer to this as a calling. Me on the other hand, I said ‘Nope’ not this guy, here I am moving up in the world, doing good, acting right, isn’t that enough. Also, the ministry is so unrewarding, the pay is horrible, the hours are constant, your house always has to be clean, your children always have to behave well. God had the wrong man, this man was doing it his own way!
So after awhile, I started denying the holy-spirit at church, I would try to tune out the sermons. I would volunteer for overtime on Wednesdays so my presence would not be expected. I started drinking alcohol on a daily basis, started finding reasons to dislike the church. This would lead me back to doing drugs, not being an attentive father (our in-laws lived three doors down, so they did most of the child-watching). It was simple, wake-up, go to work for as long as possible, come home, smoke some pot, snort some coke, drink some beer. Why? Because that was proof that I was not supposed to be a minister! Well, let me tell you what it did prove, that our young marriage was on the rocks, we would seek out pleasures of the world instead of seeking out direction from our God. I came home a little early one day, was instructed to go to the local park to find……well to be crushed again, to realize my marriage had become a hoax, it was pointless, it was over! 3 1/2 years from the beginning to the end, for Christmas that year 1998, I got a divorce.
Well, you cannot be divorced and be in the ministry anyway, so I had won that fight, God would have to hire someone else. Honestly, I was a wreck, hated my friends, hated my ex-wife, hated my job, hated my life. I stopped doing drugs and just stuck to drinking or hanging out with friends at the bar, but mostly I would sit alone and drink patiently waiting for the alarm clock to scream at me again, to make it another day at work.
Now there are a million things that could have changed these problems, but there is only ONE that would have. That would be at almost any point me just giving 100% to God, that would have to wait. As the river carried my carcass along until I washed up on the shore of another failure, I would remain hollow and harden my heart that much more.

What could a Youth Minister know about Sex?

Okay, so of all the devious things I had done in my youth, one thing stayed pretty ingrained into my thinking; Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery! Oh, how many youth pastors did I hear talking about that, how many hell-fire sermons were barked at us during church camp. Keep yourself pure, that if you have sex before marriage, you become one with that person, and on and on and on. Well, they had me convinced, don’t think like that, so while most of my regular friends were trying ‘adult’ things, I would avoid the situations all together. For I had decided that if there was one thing I would preserve, it would be that sacred bond between a man and a woman, until I was in love, until I was married.
After having my face kicked in at 17, I kind of figured maybe mom and dad were correct about a few things. I would move back in, try to right some wrongs, get another job, you know start over. I finally got a driver’s license, purchased my first crappy car a 1977 Toyota Corolla, Mustard Yellow. $300, a complete brake overhaul and a rigged up headlight switch was all it needed, that and of course it had to be hot wired as there was no ignition switch. That car landed me a job working at an Kwik-Kar oil lube center, so life was improving. My parents then handed me down a 1987 Isuzu Trooper and I sold the Corolla to a co-worker. Anyway, the Isuzu was a nice ride for a drop-out, nice enough that when I met my first real girl-friend, she would be impressed with my ride and my style. I was impressed with her too a 15-year-old drop out, talk about a match made in heaven. Well, when heaven makes a match, people like me tend to strike it and watch it burn. It wasn’t long and that commandment that once meant so much, meant a little less and less each day, to which it would eventually be broken. Plus, when you’re 17 and in love with a 15-year-old, you don’t need to use protection, because you are safe in each others arms! A few days of morning sickness, a trip to planned parenthood and it was confirmed I was going to be a father-woohoo!!! Three months into that pregnancy the relationship took a hiatus, I was left crying in the rain as they say and well things in life just don’t always bring the happiness we expect. Maybe, I should have listened to those pesky youth ministers.
Austin, Texas is a wonderful town to clear your head for a month, especially when you are 17 and have the world figured out. I tried it, then returned home again, the Isuzu broke down and I ended up buying a motorcycle. The motorcycle was the path to get my girl and baby back. Late one evening I would be hit by a drunk driver on it, break my right foot and find the quality care that our local Hugely hospital has to provide. The ex-girl friend received the call, felt sorry for me, came to see me at my parents house. A little more pre-marital sex and the relationship was healed-Hallelujah! July of 1995 I was married, I was 18 years old, she was now 16, our son Nathan was born September 1st, but hey at least he wasn’t born out-of-wedlock!
This was honestly one of the toughest years of my life! Having a child at a young age, well you can see the miracle of birth, but there was no miracle in the rest of that time frame. I now had full understanding of what it was to have a heart that was crushed, and a co-dependency/insecurity issue large enough to go back to the source of that heartache! Regardless, I was now a man, in a mans world and I had a child in a world that demanded money, little of which I had. I also had a wife though, not a lot of 18 year-old men, get to run home to a 16-year-old wife everyday, but lucky me, lucky me!!!!
So many things happened in this time frame, it would take a month to explain them all. This was the big one though, the beginning of the story of my adulthood, the invocation to my life story, the warm-up before the race. I was about to see the world in ways that many others have seen it, but in ways that no one ever should. I was entering a rat race and I would spend the next decade surrounded by cats ready to devour me.
There were spiritual highs on the horizon, so don’t give up on me yet. Just hang in there until my next memory I’m sure it will be a great one. If not, just sit back and laugh it off, I can handle that too!

Sometimes Life is Just Pointless!!!

Birds of a feather, flock together as the saying goes. Well, this is especially true in youth, it is very, very easy to find like-minded, miserable friends in school. In reality, you tend to hang out with people two steps farther behind than yourself and enjoy jumping down to be an equivalent. Whether it be smoking, drinking, skipping school, it really doesn’t matter, because at 15 the world sucks and so does anyone else who would try to prove it otherwise. It was at this age that I began to really understand what a hypocrite was, how adults lie, people cheat, the majority of the world will take advantage of you and the things you desire will detest you. Within me, was this soft loving spirit (deep within), but I had swallowed that away on occasion someone new would come into my view, a cute girl at school, a smart girl at church, a person above average who got much respect. So from time to time, I would open up a little and try to express that I wasn’t such the bad kid, to show that I had a pleasant person on the inside a spirit of love within. I was weaker than the other kids my age, shorter, red-hair and maintained a pretty bad reputation. So, when these nice girls came into my life, they would usually laugh me out of their world faster than I could try to love myself into theirs. Then, on the days that I would just try to honestly do what was right, I would be punished for something I had done before…..Youth was a useless cycle.
Suicide was never a thought of mine, that was too simple, self-abuse and mutilation, well that was just pointless. So I remained in a spirit of hatred whenever I was shot down, I would just harden myself that much more. When another bully wanted to bully me, I would just bully someone else that much more. Talking down to anyone gave me a feeling of greatness over people, witty comments, disregard for humans emotions, they all became funny to me! Church had become a joke to me too, of course the preachers kids played the piano, of course the youth ministers kids were the most popular, of course the wealthiest kids would always decide what activities would be done. Church was not a reflection of any scripture I had read, the sermons were boring, the music uninteresting and the ridiculous amount of time my parents invested into the whole show, well that just made me even more angry. That heart I had surrendered to Jesus when I was 7, well He could have easily taken it back, because I no longer had it. I was no longer angry with the world, I was pissed off at it, from then on it would really just be my way.
I was suspended a few times, constantly in detention, in school suspension, Saturday school, expelled in 10th grade, then just dropped out the next year. There was in that time two people who were influential to me, adults who actually saw through me and loved me anyway. My shop teacher Mr. Fathergill, a WWII veteran, tough as nails, but sincere as anyone you would ever meet. Then this guy David from church, he was a re-covered alcoholic, with three daughters, I disrespected him plenty. Yet, Dave would on occasion throw me up against a wall, get in my face, he once even tracked me down after I had dropped out, drove me around and tried to get me to pray for forgiveness, I would just laugh. What would be the point?
I had a job, working at Pizza Hut, then after dropping out, picked up two other part-time jobs. It kept me busy enough to stay occupied and gave me enough money to buy weed and alcohol to enjoy on my days off. Hard work was never beneath me (thanks Grandpa), work life was way better than school life at least people respected you for your dedication and didn’t focus on ruining the day, instead everyone just wanted to get the job done, then go home. I moved out when I was 17, started trying heavier drugs, cocaine, meth, more beer, pot daily, huffing paint, just whatever to take the edge of life off for a bit. In one of those settings, I met someone more full of hatred than me, I was attacked, had my front tooth kicked out and a knife held up to me being asked why he shouldn’t just kill me, because I was a joke to him. Which reminds me of another attack the previous year, where I was attacked by another man, in a situation I really won’t discuss, I will just say I was still a child, I will forever have a hatred towards pedophiles and scars don’t go away like black eyes, front teeth can be replaced other things cannot.
Anyway, So this is kind of how my life was formed prior to becoming adult. The worst part of most of it is that once again at any time had I just followed the guidelines of the God who entered my young heart, a lot of these problems would have been avoided. I was just a teenage then, I knew it all anyway!

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“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep'. In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

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